It is time.
The end is near.
Time to pay the piper.
The grim reaper is knocking on your door.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
What do all these clichés have in common?
They’ve all just popped into your head since your wife told you that it’s TIME TO BUY THE DREADED “SOLO DRESS” (not to be confused with the less expensive—but still outrageously expensive—class dress).
You push the thoughts of doom and world ending catastrophes aside and take a deep breath.
“No problem,” you say to yourself. “It’s just a dress.”
Two recommendations: One, stop talking to yourself. Two, get real—it’s not your typical off-the-shelf dress.
Your wife excitedly shows you a picture of the “beautiful” dress.
You scream.
It’s ten times more hideous than anything you’ve ever seen in Mervyns. Covered in gaudy sequins and neon colors, it’s so bright that it makes the Las Vegas strip look like a flashlight with half dead batteries.
How much could a dress like that cost? Fifty bucks. A hundred at most. Surely, no one would pay more than that.
Wrong answer! And wrong question.
The right answer is: You. Since you’re the sucker who is going to shell out more money than your daughter’s braces, a new minivan and America’s latest stealth fighter combined. All for a dress that your daughter might actually wear three times before she outgrows it.
And the right question? How can a dress cost $3000? Or, more appropriately, what bank am I going to rob to pay for the darn thing?
The answers?
I have no #&%$ing idea, and the bank at the corner of Main and Fifth looks like an easy hit to me.
I’m sorry, let me be serious for a moment.
Believe me, I’ve scoped it out. The guards do look sleepy and there’s an alley out back for your get-away car.
A bank job a little too drastic for you right now? Don’t worry, by the time your little beginner II dancer moves into prize winner, it won’t be. In the meantime, I’ve compiled a few suggestions to help you out. They may not keep you from serving some jail time, but given the number of feis’ in your future, that may not be a bad thing.
Feis dad suggestions on how to afford a solo dress:
1. Get a second job, re-mortgage the house, sell anything of value and take up singing for loose change at the entrances to subway stations.
There, that’s it.
Good luck.
No, I’m such a kidder. I do have some other ideas, but they aren’t as easy as those listed above.
2. Sell a body part. Everyone wants American made body parts. I hear kidneys are the rage in China nowadays. And you’ve got two. Do you really need a spare? You can also sell your liver, but this has a few drawbacks. One, if you’ve been a feis dad for a while, it’s probably not worth much due to the large amount of alcohol induced trauma, and two, you’ll die.
3. Buy used. Why buy a new dress for $3000, when you can pick up a used one for $2995? You can buy yourself a combo meal at McDonald’s with the five bucks you save. Savor it, it’ll be the last time you can afford to eat out at a “nice place” for a few years.
4. Make the dress yourself. Pick up some fabric on clearance and sew, sew, sew. It really doesn’t matter (at least to you) that you don’t actually know how to sew, you (being a typical feis dad) won’t be able to tell the difference from your horrific creation to one of those “beautiful” custom made dresses. The bad news is, your wife and daughter and every other female in the Irish Dance Mafia will now hate you and your life will be measured in minutes.
5. Shun the tradition. Refuse to waste your money on a solo dress. Make your daughter wear something a little more fashionable like … oh, I don’t know … a pair of grey sweats and a New England Patriots jersey. Be prepared for some push back if you go this route. Although you will be the hero of all the other feis dads out there, you will also be sleeping on the couch for the next century and your daughter will never send you a Father’s Day card again. Ever.
6. Time share a dress. If your dance academy is large, this may be a viable option. Try to get ten or more feis dads to “go in” on a solo dress, then everyone could share it during a feis. Yes, it may be a hassle to change out of the dress after every dance and it might stretch out the feis by another twenty plus hours, but the savings are worth it—at least to you. For one, you won’t be at the feis, remember? Two, although $300 is still a rip off, you can at least have enough money for food for the rest of the year. Oh, don’t worry too much about matching sizes, that’s what safety pins are for.
Okay, so now that feis dad’s given you some killer ideas on how to pay for that solo dress, what next?
Go out and buy it?
Ha! You should know me better than that by now.
Delay, delay, delay.
You can always hope that your daughter will lose interest in Irish Dance, or fall in love with horses instead. Okay, scratch that. The only thing worse than being a feis dad is being a horse dad.
--feis dad
Welcome to feis dad
Hello, my name is Matt. I have a daughter ... no, make that two daughters ... who LOVE Irish Dance.
There. I admitted it. I’ve come clean.
It's the first step in recognizing I have a problem.
Did I say problem? Well, maybe that’s not quite right.
It’s more like a crisis of epic proportions.
If you’ve got a daughter in novice, prizewinner or championship, you know what I mean. Don’t worry, if you’re just starting this ride, you’ll find out soon enough.
If you don't know what a feis is. you're on the wrong blog. If you do know what a feis is and like it, you're on the wrong blog. If the thought of going to a feis makes you feel queasy, you're in the right place.
So, you're supposed to be here, now what?
Take a look at my first post, titled: Feis Dad Syndrome.
See if you've developed this terrible condition.
If you've got it, don't despair. There is help. I may not offer any right now, but don't lose hope, I'll get to it eventually.
Above all, I am looking forward to your comments, funny stories and helpful suggestions.
Thanks for joining me.
-- feis dad
There. I admitted it. I’ve come clean.
It's the first step in recognizing I have a problem.
Did I say problem? Well, maybe that’s not quite right.
It’s more like a crisis of epic proportions.
If you’ve got a daughter in novice, prizewinner or championship, you know what I mean. Don’t worry, if you’re just starting this ride, you’ll find out soon enough.
If you don't know what a feis is. you're on the wrong blog. If you do know what a feis is and like it, you're on the wrong blog. If the thought of going to a feis makes you feel queasy, you're in the right place.
So, you're supposed to be here, now what?
Take a look at my first post, titled: Feis Dad Syndrome.
See if you've developed this terrible condition.
If you've got it, don't despair. There is help. I may not offer any right now, but don't lose hope, I'll get to it eventually.
Above all, I am looking forward to your comments, funny stories and helpful suggestions.
Thanks for joining me.
-- feis dad
Blog Posts
The following are posts. Please read, laugh and comment.
-feis dad
-feis dad
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A serious message from feis dad about being a feis dad
This blog is not to be taken seriously. It’s meant to take a good-natured poke at how Irish Dance affects fathers (something many wives and daughters may not think about).
The reality of the situation is that most dads just don’t get the Irish Dance thing. It’s like asking our wives and daughters why they don’t throw high fives every time our favorite player hits a three-pointer in the playoffs.
I love my daughters, but I just can’t sit through twelve hours of accordion music at feis’ once a month. It is beyond me. And I truly believe that forcing me to do so would make me begin to resent their activity, which none of us want.
BUT, that doesn’t mean I don’t support our daughters in my own way.
That’s exactly what this blog is about. For good or bad, THIS is part of my support for them.
Some may say I’m not a good father if I don’t go to each and every performance or feis. But I believe both my daughters know I think what they are doing is important and good for them even though it’s hard for me to spell feis or oreach … orack … that big national feis thing.
My point in all of this is that although there are some things we just won’t do, I believe real feis dads need to ensure they:
Support their daughter’s (or son’s) love of Irish Dance.
Take interest in how they are doing.
Are excited when they perform well and move up.
Comfort them when they don’t.
Support their activity as much as we can within realistic financial and family obligations
Although we may not understand the specifics (like the difference is between a slip jig and a reel) we take an interest in the general idea
We tell our children we are proud of them every chance we get
Although we make light of some of the aspects of Irish Dance, they are never mean spirited or hurtful
We ensure that our children know what they are doing is important to us
Do what dads do best: build things—practice dance floors, sound systems, etc.
Take them to practices and performances when possible (even if it means missing part of the game, but maybe not if it’s the playoffs).
Again, this blog is not meant to be taken seriously.
No one is perfect. Not even feis dads. If you can’t laugh about it (or about yourself) then you’re missing out.
--feis dad
The reality of the situation is that most dads just don’t get the Irish Dance thing. It’s like asking our wives and daughters why they don’t throw high fives every time our favorite player hits a three-pointer in the playoffs.
I love my daughters, but I just can’t sit through twelve hours of accordion music at feis’ once a month. It is beyond me. And I truly believe that forcing me to do so would make me begin to resent their activity, which none of us want.
BUT, that doesn’t mean I don’t support our daughters in my own way.
That’s exactly what this blog is about. For good or bad, THIS is part of my support for them.
Some may say I’m not a good father if I don’t go to each and every performance or feis. But I believe both my daughters know I think what they are doing is important and good for them even though it’s hard for me to spell feis or oreach … orack … that big national feis thing.
My point in all of this is that although there are some things we just won’t do, I believe real feis dads need to ensure they:
Support their daughter’s (or son’s) love of Irish Dance.
Take interest in how they are doing.
Are excited when they perform well and move up.
Comfort them when they don’t.
Support their activity as much as we can within realistic financial and family obligations
Although we may not understand the specifics (like the difference is between a slip jig and a reel) we take an interest in the general idea
We tell our children we are proud of them every chance we get
Although we make light of some of the aspects of Irish Dance, they are never mean spirited or hurtful
We ensure that our children know what they are doing is important to us
Do what dads do best: build things—practice dance floors, sound systems, etc.
Take them to practices and performances when possible (even if it means missing part of the game, but maybe not if it’s the playoffs).
Again, this blog is not meant to be taken seriously.
No one is perfect. Not even feis dads. If you can’t laugh about it (or about yourself) then you’re missing out.
--feis dad
5 comments:
hahahahahahaha
that was great.
"it’s so bright that it makes the Las Vegas strip look like a flashlight with half dead batteries."
"How much could a dress like that cost? Fifty bucks. A hundred at most. Surely, no one would pay more than that."
those are my most favorite quotes about dance dresses ever!! hahahah
good job :P
Thanks, irishdancer.
People--are we not seeing a pattern here??? I score heavy points with the hubster when I tell him that he had better stay home and do home improvements while I go away to take the kids to a feis. I get this big sigh and an "Oh my gosh, thank you...you are the best." It is a win/win situation....Less stress without him there, house chores get completed, and I am an absolute hero/goddess in his eyes. It's perfect. Oh and some readers have complained about no beverages served at 8:30....if a feis is at a resort, you can always find a way to score a cocktail...or think back to your college days....use airplane bottles!
I am a feis mom, with many of the same feelings. After 55 High Cahl Caps at the Worlds, when the next comp started with another HCC -- I told the other moms to call me if my daughter was ever released from her cell, or awards, which ever came first. I could not be held responsible for my actions had I listened to another round of that music. This is not my sport of choice. Truely the musicians are athletes, hours upon hours without missing a beat. I am Italian/Greek (married Irish). The elder women in my family made wedding dresses when they came to America, I wish now I watched/helped as a kid when the women sat around hand beading lace on the weekends in my grandmother's living room. At $150 a yard, I could fund the dang solo dress doing it.
Just one question -- is being involved with horses worse? My mother is trying to get the girls to switch (don't have time/$$ for both). I can't imagine it being worse!!
I hate to be the one to tell you this, but being a horse dad (or mom) is worse! Think everything that Irish dance is then multiply it by about 1000 (lbs)!
--feis dad
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