Warning: If you aren’t a big Sylvester Stallone or Rambo fan, you may find the attempt at humor in this post lacking. Then again, the same may be true for even the biggest Rambo fan. Enter at your own risk!
Recently, I had the immense pleasure of watching the classic action-adventure movie Rambo: First Blood (the original—not the sequels) for the first time in twenty years. And, being the neurotic person I am, it started me thinking: what if Rambo was a feis dad? How would he handle having his daughter take Irish dance lessons? What would it be like to sit next to him at a feis? What could we learn from his infinite wisdom? And most importantly, where could we get our hands on one of those super-studly canvas headbands he always wears?
Not a big Rambo fan? Or having a hard time remembering just exactly what Rambo stands for? Below is the trailer from the movie. It’s only about a minute long, but it gives you a good idea of “Rambo” mentality.
Sorry, this video was taken off of Youtube for some reason, trying to find another link...
Done with your Rambo history lesson? Good. Back to the purpose of this post. What would happen if Rambo were a feis dad? Here are my thoughts:
1. Camouflage outerwear would be all the rage. I can picture it clearly in my warped mind: forest green, mud brown and midnight black solo dresses instead of those hideous colorful ones; sturdy combat boots would replace “hard” shoes; steel pots instead of tiaras. Oh, boy. Heaven on earth!
2. Feis’ could be combined with gun shows. Everyone wins—even feis dads. They could be called something like, Guns and Ghillies. Catchy.
3. Feis moms might actually accept a more efficient means of communication. By this I mean conversing in one-word grunts. Here could be a typical conversation between a feis mom and Rambo at a feis:
Feis Mom: “Did you see that?” Points at her daughter. “She danced wonderfully. Oh, I’m so proud. Her cuts were perfect and she pointed her toes and her arms were straight and she was on time and she smiled and her kicks … oh, my … I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.” She turns to Rambo. “What did you think?”
Rambo: “Urrggg.”
Feis Mom: “Me too!” She gives Rambo a high-five.
Rambo: “Arrggg.”
Feis Mom: “The bar’s not open until 8:30, but I’ve got some Southern Comfort hidden in my daughter’s dance bag.”
Rambo: “Glurg, glurg.”
Feis Mom: “Hey! Save some for me. I’ve got twelve more hours of this.” She takes the bottle from Rambo and gives him a look that only feis moms can give.
Rambo: “Parggg.” Clearly annoyed, he climbs the chandelier in the middle the room and, gigantic knife in hand, jumps on top of the wild boar, kills and eats it.
End of conversation.
4. Every time Rambo’s daughter doesn’t win her class, we could hear him scream, “Aaadriannnnn!” Oops, wrong movie.
5. Special dances could be incorporated in honor of Rambo. These might including possible new classics like:
- The “Dodging machinegun bullets” light-jig, and
- The “Rats are eating me alive” reel
- The “My pants are WAY too tight” hornpipe (a feis mom favorite)
6. Instead of smelling stale coffee and hairspray, we could enjoy the pleasurable scent of Napalm incinerating the accordion player’s sheet music in the morning. Oops, wrong movie and wrong actor.
7. Irish dance basic training—Rambo style. Dancers could enjoy:
- Twelve mile dances with full combat packs, up hill both ways, in the rain and through two feet of snow.
- Obstacle courses to learn to put on make-up while climbing impossibly tall wooden barricades, wading through impossibly deep mud and being yelled at by impossibly irate feis mothers who think they’re running late for the feis. And all without a single mirror!
- Combining Irish dance steps with karate, judo, taekwondo and other Asian words which mean to kick serious butt.
- How to jump out of perfectly good planes while still texting friends about that really cute guy in math class on their cell phones.
- Pilates class: dance, jump, run, throw live grenade, then run REALLY fast. It’s an unbeatable aerobic workout!
8. Rambo do-it-yourself clinics:
- Safety class: home defense with nothing but a hunting knife and a M-60 machinegun
- Cooking class: eating things that would make a billy goat puke (and not puking)
- Conflict resolution class: police officers can be your best friend and how to talk your way out of tickets
- First aid class: You too can sew up those pesky deep muscle lacerations with a rusty sewing kit—all without any pain meds or costly ER room co-payments.
There you have it. Rambo was THE manliest of men in the late early ‘80s—the All-American underdog who fought corruption, those annoying Russians and any form of basic hygiene—just like any typical feis dad.
So, in Rambo’s honor, I think next time I talk with Sly, I think I’ll invite him to a feis. See what he thinks. If he’s not too busy making the much anticipated sequels to Cobra, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot and Rhinestone, maybe he’ll drop by for a beer—or a hunk of wild boar roasted over an open fire in the middle of the dance floor.
I'd love to hear your ideas/comments/thoughts about if Rambo was a feis dad.
--feis dad
I know, this doesn't have anything to do with Irish dance, but I thought it was so cool, I had to pass it on. I find it amazing that dolphins can create these bubble rings to play with.
Here's some info on these beautiful rings: It isn't known how dolphins learn how to make bubble rings (learned or instinct). The dolphin does a quick flip of its head and a donut shaped bubble about 2 feet in diameter appears. Dolphins can manipulate the bubble, make smaller ones, twist them, swim through them and spin them.
After watching the video, you can see more information about it on snopes.com (urban legends) at: http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/dolphinrings.asp.
Enjoy
--feis dad
