Proof of Jessica

I've received a stack of email higher than Lyndsay Lohan after a night out partying asking for proof regarding Jessica Simpson. Feis dad readers found it difficult to believe that 1) she can sing, 2) she was once a brilliant physics student and 3) she lost that brilliance. Curiously, no one had trouble believing I had once been her backup dancer.

I'll address each question individually, starting with the hardest first.

1) Can she sing? Well, that's a matter of opinion. Unfortunately for Jessica, the majority of the opinion says "no." Those offering a different view tend to be adolescent boys, unmarried men and feis dads. This being said, I can not offer any substantial proof that she can actually sing. I have seen her perform and she looks good doing it, but I haven't a clue as to whether the words escaping her mouth isn't anything more than an awful screeching.

2) Was Jessica once a brilliant physics student? Yes. When I met her in college, she was on top of her class. She was acing all her tests and all her professors loved her (she was a favorite among the TA's). Here's one of the many examples of how she could easily solve a physics problem.



Jessica nails the test: A+

3) Did Jessica lose her brilliance? Most definitely. Once she began "singing" and dating Nick, her brain power dropped faster than the stock market did two years ago. Here are some of her test results (which are now infamous on the internet) showing just how low she had become.












As you can see, Jessica no longer had the brain power to solve complex mathematical problems, or talk without sounding like a complete idiot. For some reason, she also kept signing her name as "Peter" which no one could ever figure out why.

What does all of this mean? I haven't a clue. I can't seem to put two comprehensive sentences together at a time (though I blame my loss of cognition on over exposure to accordion music and curly wigs).

-- feis dad

feis dad confession # 2

Due to the overwhelming number of questions emailed to me regarding the last post, I thought it might be prudent to provide the answers:

1. Yes, it is true. Although I’m ashamed to admit it, I did “experiment” while I was in college. And on more than one occasion.

As many of you know, I attended an engineering school in which 98% of the students were male and 1% were female. The other 1% could never be determined. Anyway, I was a nerd who felt awkward around women. So … naturally, I “experimented.” Usually, this was done during class with other students and a TA.

My first taste of experimenting was during Chemistry 101 lab when I conducted numerous experiments on fluids, gases and solids. I also took a materials class where I experimented with concrete, steel and wood.

Being more of a theoretical student I wasn’t good at all this experimenting and my lab reports really stunk.


Mad Scientist feis dad

And that’s about all the “experimenting” I’ve done. I’m glad to finally get that off my chest.

What? Come, on. Were you expecting something else?

2. Yes, I admit that a long time ago, Jessica Simpson and I were more than just friends.

We met while I was in college after a long day experimenting (see above) in my Chemistry lab. I bumped into her at the engineering library. She was studying quantum physics and we hit it right off.

I enjoyed the depth of her understanding of the origins of the universe while she liked the way I looked in my T-shirt and my graceful way of moving.

As you can imagine, one thing led to another and yep … you guessed it. I became her backup dancer when she decided to drop advanced physics for a “singing” career. We had a great time dancing together until NICK came along. And we all know how well that worked out.


Jessica and feis dad -- perfect dance partners

We’re still friends, and sometimes she calls me to discuss higher order equations, but that’s about it.


Anyway, there you have it. That’s my story and I’m sticking with it (at least until I dream up something better).

--feis dad

Feis Dad Confession # 1

Okay, Okay, I can't keep this to myself anymore. Now, with the fourth possible woman coming clean on having an affair with Tiger Woods, it's time for my shameful admission. Sometimes you just have to admit to something so you can be free from the guilt.

I've known Tiger Woods for about five years. Jessica Simpson, another close friend of mine, introduced us and we've been best buds ever since.


Jessica Simpson, Tiger Woods and Feis Dad having a great time together

And it's been a good five years. You know, when he comes to play golf, he calls me up and we hit the bars for a good time. He talks about golf, I talk about curly wigs. All of which makes it even harder to admit that, I, feis dad, have NOT had an affair with Tiger Woods. From the past few days headlines, I guess I'm one of the few.

--fes dad

'Twas the Night Before Oireachtas

'Twas the night before Oireachtas, and all through the room,
Not a dancer was stirring in the pre-party gloom;

The poodle socks were placed in the dance bags with care,
Right next to curly wigs made from 20 lbs of fake hair;

The ceili dancers were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of recalls danced in their heads;

And feis mom in her school polo, and I with my school cap,
Had just settled down for a much needed nap;

When out on the dance floor there arose such a clatter,
That I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter;

Away through the lobby I flew like a flash,
Stubbed my big toe which left a large gash;

The Oireachtas dance floor was cast in a glow,
Bright lights illuminating as t’were part of a show;

Then, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a man dressed in black, holding a pint of Guinness beer;

With feet of flames moving so fast-ly,
I knew in a moment it must be Michael Flatley;

In with our team of ceili dancers he came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Tuleagh! Now, Jennifer! Now, Lexi! Now, Delaney and Kayley!
On, Natalia! on Lauren! on, Dani and Sydney!

To the stage! To the stage! To the podium, please stand!
Now first place! First place! I want you to land!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
The dancers went to work, their jumps meeting the sky;

Each dancer was so graceful and neat,
As they did cuts and kicked their seat;

And then, in a rush, I heard on the floor,
The banging and pounding of two shoes doing more;

As I drew in my breath, and was turning around,
Out on the floor St. Mick(ael) came with a bound;

He was dressed all in leather, from his head to his feet,
And his pants were so tight, my wife was in for a treat;

With a beautiful adult dancer held in each arm,
Who couldn’t resist his smooth Irish charm;

His eyes – how they sparkled – his ego so grand,
He believed himself the best dancer in the land!

His mouth was drawn up in such a wide grin,
That I knew in my heart our team would win;

He performed a solo from Lord of the Dance,
While feis moms from all over watched his pants;

His shirt split open revealing a large round belly,
That shook and rolled like a bowlful of jelly;

He was becoming chubby and plump, a right fat old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, ‘spite the weight I’d gained myself;

A wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Told the team they had nothing to dread;

For their dancing and team spirit, he sure was proud,
And to make sure they listened for the cheers from the crowd;

During his finale, one last big jump,
He fell to the floor with a horrific thump;

Then he sprang to his feet and gave the team a wave,
For all the practice, hard work and energy they gave;

With a grand flourish he danced to the door,
Got stuck from all the pints he drank like a bore;

Then I heard him exclaim, ere he got unstuck,
"Happy Oireachtas to all, and to all good luck!"

Close up view of True Feis Dad

Okay, last time we saw how to recognize a true feis dad at a feis or performance. Now, let's take a closer look. All feis dads carry emergency equipment to get them through. Using my special X-ray and close up cameras, I'm able to highlight some of this equipment for you. Here's our typical feis dad all decked out in his feis survival gear, so let's start with number 1 and go all the way to number 9 (if you dare).



Number 1: The iPod. This is basic feis dad survival equipment. Feis dads can download all their favorite tuneage (AC/DC, Kiss, The Partridge Family’s Greatest hits, and Air Supply) to their iPod and tune out all of that accordion music. I think this feis dad’s playing some awesome Tiffany tunes!



Number 2: Earplugs. A true feis dad expects the best, but plans for the worst. He's horrified by the possibility that his iPod’s batteries might die or feis his dancing daughter would snag it from him while she’s waiting to dance her special. If anything happens to his iPod, he reaches into his pocket and stuffs his trusty earplugs into his ears for some peaceful silence. Sometimes, he might put his earplugs in before the iPod, because you can only take so much Air Supply before you blow chunks.



Number 3: Favorite Magazine. Two things at a feis that a real feis dad wouldn’t be caught dead without: his favorite magazine and his favorite underwear. Fortunately, we won’t go into the second thing. You’ll spot feis dads carrying magazines about cars, trucks, motorcycles, mountain bikes, football, baseball, the SI swimsuit edition, and the lyrics to Air Supply’s greatest hits. He might even read them if he gets really bored.



Number 4: See-thru-curly-straw. As we saw in the last post, some feis dads like to partake in a barley pop or similar drink to help pass the time. And we all know, feis dads LOVE to have fun. What could be more fun than a see-thru-curly-straw? Nothing. The more twists, turns and curls the better. Feis dads can watch these things for hours! Who would have thought 95 cents could bring so much pure amusement?



Number 5: Bellybutton lint. Eeeww. That’s just gross. Using my special X-ray camera, we can see what’s under feis dad’s shirt. Now, this nice piece of shirt lint may not be something feis dad intends to bring to the feis with him, but it’s going to be there, and there's nothing you can do about it. You can pick the fuzz-fruit in the morning and by noon, it’s grown baaaaackk. But please, for everyone else's sake, don’t pick it at the feis, that’s bad feis etiquette (pick it during dinner instead).



Number 6: Free drink tickets. Every feis dad worth his salt carries a couple of these bad boys with him all the time (he carries double the normal amount to a feis). They’re good for whatever drink you want, as long as it’s one of the two kinds they carry at the feis: beer and box wine.



Number 7: Official Star Trek Collector’s Key Chain. Okay, let’s just admit it right now. Most feis dads are closet Star Trek geeks. We all know at least ten Klingon phrases including how to say, “hello,” “Where’s the bathroom,” “Do you want fries with that?,” and “When’s the feis going to be over?” This key chain also has lots of cool stuff like flashing lights and shiny buttons. Finally, it has neat sounds effects like the “swish-swish” of a starship door opening and twelve different fart noises (even in Klingon). Woohoo! The only thing this puppy won’t do is impress women and beam you up before the feis is done--"beam me up, Scotty!"



Number 8: Nintendo DS. This isn’t actually the feis dad’s own DS. He borrowed it from his son, by slipping it into his sock before leaving for the feis. This gadget comes in real handy during those loooongg boring stretches during a feis (mainly the entire time your children aren’t dancing). The only problem with the DS is that the batteries only last 8 hours (four hours shorter than a normal feis).



Number 9: Pocket Etch-a-Sketch. This is your DS backup for when the batteries die. Try drawing a box, then a circle, then a circle in a box. It’s tons of fun!



So, now you know what a typical feis dad brings to a feis. But all feis dads are different. Anyone else have any other things they like to bring to a feis? Just let me know, and I'll post them here.

--feis dad

A true feis dad

We all go to the performances and fesiana. We watch our sons and daughters dance the slip jig and reel. We listen to the fiddle, flute or accordion play the same Irish music over and over and over.

How do we cope? Each of us has our own way. Feis moms talk about the dancing, the music, the dresses, the wigs, the makeup, the socks, the shoes, the shoelaces, the type of leather making up the shoes, typical wear patterns of shoes, and well, you get the picture. For many feis moms, these are truly social events. And by social event, I mean talking. A lot of talking.

What about feis dads? We don’t have the same defense mechanisms as our better halves. We don’t do much talking. Some of us do a lot of sitting, staring straight ahead with a deer in the headlights look. Others bring a book. Or borrow our children’s Nintendo DS. Still others look for a different means of escape.

Here’s an untouched picture from a typical performance.


See the beautiful dancers in their performance dresses? Notice anything else about the picture? Look way off to the left. Still don’t see it?

I’ll give you a hint: see the red circle.


Now, what’s so special about this guy? Nothing. He’s just a typical feis dad. Enjoying his daughter’s performance. A feis dad poster boy.

But let’s not dismiss him so quickly. We need to take a closer look at this feis dad champion.


- He’s dressed for the occasion in shorts, plaid shirt, white socks and work boots. Not only is this high-fashion, but comfort is paramount for feis dads
- The flash of the camera seems to have caught him by surprise as he tries to go unnoticed, sort of like the famous picture of Bigfoot in the woods. As you can also see, I think our feis dad is beginning to look a lot like Bigfoot!

- Also, notice this wild feis dad has a smile on his face.

I bet you were thinking all feis dads wear frowns at feisana. Nothing could be farther from the truth. We smile a lot. When our children dance. When they actually place in one of those dances. When it’s time for lunch. During the first feis dances. When we beat our son’s high score on Grand Theft Auto on his PSP. When it’s time to leave for the day. And when the bar opens.

Which brings me to the last interesting item in this picture. If you haven’t seen it already, you’ll notice something else interesting about our heroic feis dad. Hint: see the other red circle. Come on, get your glasses out already!




By that sly grin on his face, I don’t believe that’s lemonade in his glass. So here’s to you, feis dad superstar, defender of our jaded ideals, I take my hat off and raise my own barley pop in salute. You are a true feis dad!

The Grateful Feis Dad

During the last feis I attended (no, it wasn’t last year!), a feis dad approached me with an idea. We’re all dads, right? And we’re grateful too! Grateful our sons and daughters dance so beautifully. You thought I was going to say something bad about Irish dance, didn’t you? Come on, I’m not always cold and mean.

Anyway, he had a great idea … something about grateful dads and music. Well, here it is …




I think it sums up a dad's feis experience in one picture, don’t you? Okay, so I’m a little cold and mean.

Most of the older dad’s like me will get this, the younger ones … well, you missed some fairly crazy decades.

Thanks for the great idea!

--feis dad

Only THREE days left

I can’t believe I almost missed it. A celebration so big, it probably pales in comparison to Christmas, New Years Eve and Feis Dad Day all put together!

Did you know that June is Accordion awareness month? If you don’t believe me, go to www.letspolka.com and see for yourself. Wow, I didn’t know that the accordion was popular enough to have an entire month dedicated to its sweet sound. And Tucson has its own accordion fan club: the Accordion Club of Tucson (or ACT). Go to their website at www.accordionstucson.com and check out their awesome accordions!

After reading about accordion awareness month, I wanted to kick myself. To think I’ve wasted almost the entire month of June when I could have been appreciating the accordion for the last twenty-seven days! So, I guess I’ll just have to cram all that fun into the remaining few days!

I feel the first order of business for Accordion awareness month is to acknowledge the top accordion players of past, present and future.

10. Frankie Yankovic. This suave musical stud muffin was touted as America’s Polka King sometime in the 50’s or 60’s. I guess there’s a “real” story about Frankie and his music, but I’d rather make up one: Frankie was a real loser until one day in high school he picked up an accordion for the first time. It was like magic. With absolutely no lessons, Frankie was cranking out the tunage and the girls were swooning. Frankie blasted his way to stardom, his fame and fortune lasting about a week. But don’t fret, we’ll meet Frankie again.



9. Wilbur Warner. Unlike Frankie, Wilbur didn’t start playing the accordion until late in his life (when he turned 105), but he made up for lost time. Wilbur quickly turned into a retirement home sensation in the early 70’s, playing for the deaf, drugged and wheel-chair bound. He made a whirlwind tour of the old folk’s homes before retiring in 2002 when some old lady beat him silly with her cane so she “wouldn’t have to hear that awful music anymore.” Wilber, at the young age of 130, still dreams of reuniting with his groupies and touring again.



8. Johan “Fast Fingers” Fluberguston. Johan is Germany’s top accordion player. His fingers have been clocked at terrific speed of twenty-two miles an hour while he plays his black and white steed, which he calls Mr. Ed. You can still find Johan playing at all the best Oktoberfests in Europe, jamming on his accordion and drinking free beer until he pukes.



7. Rocking Jimmy Henderson. His real name is Marion Blunderkip, but he fashioned himself after the 60’s rocker Jimi Hendrix. Too bad he chose an accordion instead of electric guitar. He never made it as big as Hendrix and most historians believe it was due to his choice of pants, not his hairstyle, but we’ll never know.



6. Leila Horner. Not ALL great accordion players are men and Leila Horner has shown she’s got what it takes to be one of the best. This picture, early in her career, shows her playing in front of an Osco Drug store for change. When she made it big, she moved up to Walgreen’s.



Here’s a picture of her after two years on the drug store accordion circuit.



5. Weird Al Yankovic. This mega-music star has taken accordion music from the beer halls of Germany to mainstream USA. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive him.



4. Manny, Moe and Jack. This creative trio who called themselves The Polkaholics, hit the Polka music industry by storm with their debut album, Polka Can’t Die in the late 1964. Unfortunately, they were wrong and someone put Polka out of its misery in early 1965. These three were resilient though and decided to put their musical talent to use in a different way … buying cheap car parts stores. You can still get free accordion lessons when buying a set of four radials at any Pep Boys store.



3. Frankie Yankovic resurrected. Frankie tried a comeback in 2007, ten years AFTER his death. Although initial sales for Frankie were solid, they dropped of considerable when fans found out he was actually dead and Milli Vanilli was lip syncing and moving his hands with wires.



2. Tommy “Two Hands” Thompson. Tommy is a musical prodigy. At the tender age of five, he can play accordion like a season veteran. Too bad he’ll be classified as a nerd whose mother dresses him funny for the rest of his life. I guess fame and fortune as one of the world’s top accordion players has its price.



1. The Unknown Accordion Player. No one knows this guys real name. He only plays at night, when he thinks no one is listening. By day, he ridicules accordion music and makes fun of the talented people who keep the music alive. Keep a sharp eye out for him, one day he might come out of the closet and take the accordion stage by storm!



--feis dad

Ten Top Worst Places To Be

I was at a feis the other weekend, just sitting all by myself, and I started thinking ... there could be worse places to be, right? So I've taken the opportunity to list them ...

10. Sky diving...


Into a lagoon full of hungry gators. Come on, who the heck jumps out of a perfectly good plane, anyway?


9. On the beach ...


Because you can get sunburned, and the water is cold and the waves can get REALLY big!


8. Visiting Pamplona, Spain ...


During the running of the bulls.


7. Shopping with your wife ...


During an 18-hour sale at Dress Barn.


6. Partying with Lindsay Lohan ...


When the bartender says she's had enough (wow, if looks could kill).


5. Next to Kim Jong II ("President" of North Korea) ...


When he's relaxing after a tough day executing anyone making fun of his hair (which, I for one, am not, or never have).


4. At an Irish bar ...


When it runs out of beer.


3. Scuba diving ...


At the Great Barrier reef.


2. In front of the Celtic Crusader ...


When she unleashes her Curls of Fury.


And the number 1 worst place to be ... drum roll ...

At a feis .... In between two feis moms.

Click on the Youtube video below. You will probably need to click on the second button from the right (the one that looks like a small TV with a picture-in-a-picture) to be able to read the voice callouts.



-- feis dad