Where's feis dad?????

Ready for another rousing round of Where’s feis dad? Try and find feis dad among the crowd. This one may be harder than the last, but I’ll give you a hint: while at the last feis, feis dad heard a rumor that there is ONE nation in the world that doesn’t allow Irish dancing: China! Hmmm … maybe communism isn’t SO bad :-). Anyway, I think this feis dad’s trying to find his way there, the fastest way possible.

Good luck.

feis dad goes international!

Just wanted to announce that feis dad’s gone international! I know … I know … the internet is international, but this is different. Starting in the November issue of Irish Dancing & Culture Magazine, feis dad has his own column. It’s called Feis Dad (my creativity and originality at its finest). It will be a monthly column similar to the blog (except without the cool videos and pictures) and will feature similar articles in the beginning so everyone is on the same page.

Comments and suggestions for future articles are welcome.

If you like the feis dad articles, feel free to post a comment here or send the IDM editor (Tamasine Johnson) at tamasine@irishdancing.com a note. But please, don’t all three of you send her an email at once, it could overload the system.

If you don’t like the feis dad articles, feel free to do nothing.

--feis dad

feis dad or not a feis dad?

During a recent trip to a feis, I met two brothers. Identical twins actually. Identical in every way, every detail, every fiber of their being--except one.

One of the brothers had two daughters in Irish dance and they were competing in the feis. The other brother, he was only there to watch. His daughters had decided to do something a little less expensive—like pro tennis lessons and investing in the stock market.

Below are pictures I took of each twin in front of their respective homes. Can you tell which one is a feis dad?

Where's feis dad -- 2

Okay, another rousing round of Where's feis dad. Here's another picture from a typical feis and a typical feis dad. See if you can find him. Hint: It's what feis dad's think about when they're at a feis.


--feis dad

Another Rambo post

Due to the overwhelming popularity of the first Rambo post and all of the postive comments the post received (zero), I've decided to continue on with the Rambo theme. For those few who didn't read the first post, it's okay, I'll sum it up right now. What might happen if Rambo was a feis dad?
This imaginative, thought provoking idea has churned up a lot of unanticipated proposals. One of which is from a film studio. They want to do a remake of the Rambo: First Blood movie ... only with an Irish dancing twist, called Feis Dad: First Feis. Below is a draft movie poster they made. What do you think? Summer blockbuster? Or not?

Trouble with Treble Maker

Lean, mean, and just plain bratty, it's The Treble Maker! And she's gonna' make The Celtic Crusader's life miserable. Join her in CC's lastest episode, Trouble with Treble Maker now available on-line at www.celticcrusader.com. Go to the My Adventures page and click on the Trouble with Treble Maker episode.

Don't miss it. It's her greatest adventure yet.

--feis dad

What if Rambo was a feis dad?

Warning: If you aren’t a big Sylvester Stallone or Rambo fan, you may find the attempt at humor in this post lacking. Then again, the same may be true for even the biggest Rambo fan. Enter at your own risk!

Recently, I had the immense pleasure of watching the classic action-adventure movie Rambo: First Blood (the original—not the sequels) for the first time in twenty years. And, being the neurotic person I am, it started me thinking: what if Rambo was a feis dad? How would he handle having his daughter take Irish dance lessons? What would it be like to sit next to him at a feis? What could we learn from his infinite wisdom? And most importantly, where could we get our hands on one of those super-studly canvas headbands he always wears?

Not a big Rambo fan? Or having a hard time remembering just exactly what Rambo stands for? Below is the trailer from the movie. It’s only about a minute long, but it gives you a good idea of “Rambo” mentality.

Sorry, this video was taken off of Youtube for some reason, trying to find another link...

Done with your Rambo history lesson? Good. Back to the purpose of this post. What would happen if Rambo were a feis dad? Here are my thoughts:

1. Camouflage outerwear would be all the rage. I can picture it clearly in my warped mind: forest green, mud brown and midnight black solo dresses instead of those hideous colorful ones; sturdy combat boots would replace “hard” shoes; steel pots instead of tiaras. Oh, boy. Heaven on earth!
2. Feis’ could be combined with gun shows. Everyone wins—even feis dads. They could be called something like, Guns and Ghillies. Catchy.
3. Feis moms might actually accept a more efficient means of communication. By this I mean conversing in one-word grunts. Here could be a typical conversation between a feis mom and Rambo at a feis:
Feis Mom: “Did you see that?” Points at her daughter. “She danced wonderfully. Oh, I’m so proud. Her cuts were perfect and she pointed her toes and her arms were straight and she was on time and she smiled and her kicks … oh, my … I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.” She turns to Rambo. “What did you think?”
Rambo: “Urrggg.”
Feis Mom: “Me too!” She gives Rambo a high-five.
Rambo: “Arrggg.”
Feis Mom: “The bar’s not open until 8:30, but I’ve got some Southern Comfort hidden in my daughter’s dance bag.”
Rambo: “Glurg, glurg.”
Feis Mom: “Hey! Save some for me. I’ve got twelve more hours of this.” She takes the bottle from Rambo and gives him a look that only feis moms can give.
Rambo: “Parggg.” Clearly annoyed, he climbs the chandelier in the middle the room and, gigantic knife in hand, jumps on top of the wild boar, kills and eats it.
End of conversation.
4. Every time Rambo’s daughter doesn’t win her class, we could hear him scream, “Aaadriannnnn!” Oops, wrong movie.
5. Special dances could be incorporated in honor of Rambo. These might including possible new classics like:
- The “Dodging machinegun bullets” light-jig, and
- The “Rats are eating me alive” reel
- The “My pants are WAY too tight” hornpipe (a feis mom favorite)
6. Instead of smelling stale coffee and hairspray, we could enjoy the pleasurable scent of Napalm incinerating the accordion player’s sheet music in the morning. Oops, wrong movie and wrong actor.
7. Irish dance basic training—Rambo style. Dancers could enjoy:
- Twelve mile dances with full combat packs, up hill both ways, in the rain and through two feet of snow.
- Obstacle courses to learn to put on make-up while climbing impossibly tall wooden barricades, wading through impossibly deep mud and being yelled at by impossibly irate feis mothers who think they’re running late for the feis. And all without a single mirror!
- Combining Irish dance steps with karate, judo, taekwondo and other Asian words which mean to kick serious butt.
- How to jump out of perfectly good planes while still texting friends about that really cute guy in math class on their cell phones.
- Pilates class: dance, jump, run, throw live grenade, then run REALLY fast. It’s an unbeatable aerobic workout!
8. Rambo do-it-yourself clinics:
- Safety class: home defense with nothing but a hunting knife and a M-60 machinegun
- Cooking class: eating things that would make a billy goat puke (and not puking)
- Conflict resolution class: police officers can be your best friend and how to talk your way out of tickets
- First aid class: You too can sew up those pesky deep muscle lacerations with a rusty sewing kit—all without any pain meds or costly ER room co-payments.


There you have it. Rambo was THE manliest of men in the late early ‘80s—the All-American underdog who fought corruption, those annoying Russians and any form of basic hygiene—just like any typical feis dad.

So, in Rambo’s honor, I think next time I talk with Sly, I think I’ll invite him to a feis. See what he thinks. If he’s not too busy making the much anticipated sequels to Cobra, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot and Rhinestone, maybe he’ll drop by for a beer—or a hunk of wild boar roasted over an open fire in the middle of the dance floor.

I'd love to hear your ideas/comments/thoughts about if Rambo was a feis dad.

--feis dad

Where's feis dad?

In honor of the nice cool weather that came into Arizona last night and one of my daughter's favorite games (a long time ago), I've created a NEW game called "Where's feis dad?"

Here's a picture from a typical feis. Moms and DD's are busy doing ... doing ... well, whatever they do at a feis.

Feis dad got a little bored. He decided to try his luck at a winter sport (hint, hint).

See if you can spot feis dad in his really cool Waldo hat.

-- feis dad

Dolphin Bubble Rings

I know, this doesn't have anything to do with Irish dance, but I thought it was so cool, I had to pass it on. I find it amazing that dolphins can create these bubble rings to play with.

Here's some info on these beautiful rings: It isn't known how dolphins learn how to make bubble rings (learned or instinct). The dolphin does a quick flip of its head and a donut shaped bubble about 2 feet in diameter appears. Dolphins can manipulate the bubble, make smaller ones, twist them, swim through them and spin them.

After watching the video, you can see more information about it on snopes.com (urban legends) at: http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/dolphinrings.asp.

Enjoy

--feis dad

A true feis dad car

Wow! Feis dad ’08 bumper stickers are showing up everywhere! Here’s a pictures of a typical feis dad for President supporter’s car. Even without the cool bumper sticker, I’d know this resourceful guy is a true feis dad. The clues are almost endless. First, there’s the car itself. Feis dad’s don’t need to best the Jones’ with a fancy new car, a classic like the one pictured is good for at least 20 to 30 years. Second, and although it may be hard to see, this feis dad put his genius to work fixing the car’s AC. Yeah, being a feis dad, he might not have the money to actually fix the car’s AC, but that doesn’t stop him! Bolt a generator to the trunk, throw in an old window AC unit bought at a garage sale and presto, new AC for your car. And thirdly, this feis dad really thinks ahead, he can start up the generator/AC unit a half hour before he drives home from work to cool off his car—and it doesn’t effect his gas mileage.

Who says feis dads aren’t smart? That’s what I’d like to know.

--feis dad

feis dad's worst nightmare

I've got to admit something. I spent yesterday at a FEIS! Okay, it wasn't all day, but I did spend a few hours there.

And ...

It wasn't THAT bad.

First let me congratulate everyone who competed. You all did great.

Second, let me tell you about my nightmare last night, after the feis. It was scary, it was horrible, it was … well, maybe I should just show you …

--feis dad

Making Treble

Sorry I haven't been posting much lately, but I’ve been busy creating Treble—The Treble Maker, that is. In the next episode of The Celtic Crusader, CC’s nemesis, The Treble Maker, makes her debut.

I’m just about finished designing her outfit, but wanted your help with the last little detail. Here are two pictures of what I’ve come up with. The only difference is decoration on the headband or whatever you call that thing dancers wear on their heads (I call it a “thingy” – original aren’t I?).

One has a sort of black widow design to go with the black and red motif, the other a sideways lightning bolt.

Which one to you like best?

Vote in the new poll at the top of the page and I’ll use the one with the most votes.

So, I’ve been doing that … and then there’s the election.

When the GOP talked about nominating a relatively unknown for the vice-presidency, I waited all night for the THE CALL. Okay, okay, I fell asleep about 9:30. But I was tired. And Deal or No Deal was over.

Anyway, can you believe it? They never called.

Anyone ever hear of Sarah Palin? Me either. I thought the McCain – feis dad ticket had a nice ring to it. Actually, I was thinking feis dad – McCain. Or maybe taking McCain out of it all together. Yeah, replace McCain with … with … Eva Longoria. Now, that’s a ticket.

Ummm, back to reality.

Although I wasn’t nominated, my presidential campaign is still alive and well. I am hoping to publish my platform soon.

I am also working on the next feis dad video.

Stay tuned.

Thanks for voting and your support.

-- feis dad

feis dad for President!

First of all, I am honored. I had no idea how popular the feis dad blog was. And second, I want to thank everyone for your support! None of this would be happening without it!

Click (or copy and paste) the following link for an important news report regarding feis dad.

http://www.thelopezfamilyonline.com/play.php?first=feis&last=dad

--feis dad '08 :-)

feis dad's twelve step program

You’re a feis dad. You have FDS. Your wife and daughters are going to every feis in the lower 48 (and some in the upper 35) and you haven’t seen anything green in your wallet for six months. A huge assortment of dresses, wigs, ghillies, heavy shoes, socks and everything else Irish has invaded your house.

Yep, you’ve hit rock bottom.

Well, guess what?

It can only get better from here?

Uh, no. Sorry, it just stays bad.

Your only hope for sanity is feis dad’s own Twelve Step Program. It’s exactly the same as AA’s twelve step program, except it encourages drinking and is a lot more fun.

Feis dad’s Twelve Step Program.

1. Admit that we are powerless over Irish dance. Nothing we do or say will keep our wife and daughter from eating, living and becoming one with Irish dance.
2. Recognize that our lives have become unmanageable. Duh! This was a no brainer.
3. We realize that it takes a power greater than ourselves to restore our sanity. Mainly, alcohol. In liberal amounts.
4. We made a decision to come up with as many original (and sometimes ridiculous) excuses as we can to miss each and every feis and we humbly ask our wives to accept them without question.
5. We have inventoried ourselves and our wallets, but we still can’t find any money.
6. After a few drinks in the hotel bar, we have admitted to other feis dads (but not to our wives or daughters) that there is ONE thing about Irish dance we enjoy. Some of those dancers in Riverdance are just plain fine. And that’s with a capital F-I-N-E!
7. We promise to search out every bar, sporting event, fishin’ hole or monster truck rally within 100 miles of each feis our wives make us go to.
8. Made a list of all persons we have harmed by making fun of Irish dance… and promptly thrown it away.
9. Made a promise to ourselves, our wife, our daughter and the local police authorities not to write threatening letters to the $%@& accordion player who just doesn’t seem to stop. Ever. Ever, ever, ever.
10. Sought out professional help and advice of others (through the feis dad blog) to seek ways (both legal and illegal) to not only improve your financial bottom line, but to actually have a bottom line.
11. Had an awakening. And it was a such painful experience, that we solemnly pledge never to mix shots of tequila with beer the night before a feis ever again. Next time, it’ll be Irish whiskey and beer.

There. We’re done. Repeat those twelve prophetic statements to yourself before every feis, when your credit card bill is due and when you enter that bar—

“Hey! Wait a minute,” you say. “That’s only eleven. You said it was a twelve step program.”

Uh, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 … 11 … 11. I guess you’re right. So, repeat those eleven statements to yourself whenever you feel like it. They probably won’t help and
one more wouldn’t have made a difference anyway.

Come on, did you really expect I would come up with twelve? Or that I can count?

Get real.

I’m a feis dad, after all.

A Case of Stage Fright -- Episode 2

Celtic Crusader fans ...

A NEW episode of The Celtic Crusader has been posted on her website (www.celticcrusader.com). You can access it from her My Adventures page. In this episode, you'll find out if she saves Nancy Novice ... and what other TROUBLE is lurking in the shadows.

It may just be CC's most daring adventure yet!

Make sure you check out CC's Curls of Fury on page two and TM's mask on page 6!

I've also made a sprinkling of other additions (mostly moving .gif files) throughout the website. Let me know if you like them or not.

--feis dad

The Celtic Crusader Trailer

Here's The Celtic Crusader's first trailer to get everyone excited about her website and her upcoming adventures.

Oh, it has sound, so turn up the volume!

Enjoy

--feis dad

Announcing The Celtic Crusader—the world’s first Irish dancing super hero

So … you’ve already seen Iron Man, The Hulk and The Dark Knight movies? Thought they were fairly exciting? Well, you ain’t seen NOTHING yet!

Enter The Celtic Crusader—the world’s first Irish dancing superhero. She’s twelve years old, wears an obnoxiously bright dress and fights evil one dance at a time.

And she’s got a website and on-line comic book to boot! You can visit her at http://www.celticcrusader.com/ (or by clicking the link on the new links section to the right). Her website contains information about CC (that’s what I call her), her super powers, enemies and her very first adventure, titled, A Case of Stage Fright! which is found by clicking on her picture on the My Adventures page.

So, grab your wives and daughters and join me in welcoming CC into our hearts, you’ll be glad you did!

--feis dad

Big Dog

I think I've made a mistake in my previous posts. They were all about Irish Dancing. I guess when the blog's about being a feis dad, that's what you'd expect. BUT, being a feis dad isn't just about Irish Dance. Obviously, we are interested in things other than Irish Dance (let's just say it's not number one on our list).

Given that, I will begin posting items I (as a feis dad) find interesting or cool. I would also ask for other feis dads to send me items of interest to post.

Okay, now to Big Dog. I was sent this link by a friend. Being an engineer, I thought this was really cool.

Here's a link to Boston Dynamics' robot called Big Dog ...

http://www.bostondynamics.com/content/sec.php?section=BigDog

Enjoy.

--feis dad

feis dad video: a lesson in feis etiquette

Here’s a video regarding what NOT to do during a feis. Comments on the video are welcome as long as they don’t involve my acting, photography, editing or directing abilities (which I have none :-).

Enjoy.

--feis dad

It could be worse

It’s late Sunday night. You’re driving home after a long day of feis-ing. The accordion music won’t stop echoing through your brain. The kids are cranky. The wife exhausted. You missed the game in which your team scored the most points in the history of the NFL. And tomorrow, you’ve got to pull a double shift just to pay for all of this fun.

Bleary eyed, you stop at a gas station for the last fill up before making it home. As you watch the gas pump bill of sale spin faster than a Las Vegas slot machine, you catch sight of the man across the pump from you.

His shoulders are slumped, face drawn, eyes hollow and empty. You recognize the look immediately—FDS.

Another feis dad!?

But wait, something’s different about him. The sheer and utter hopelessness in his eyes goes beyond what you’ve seen from other feis dads.

You wonder what could cause such misery and pain?

Then you spot it … the one thing that has sucked more men’s souls dry than disco music, chick flicks and 2 for 1 shoe sales at Dillard’s combined …

A horse.

In less than a second your eyes take in the guy’s entire story. He’s a horse dad. Driving his big, gas guzzling truck (with an even bigger horse trailer) back from a horse show with his wife and daughter.

You know you shouldn’t, and you feel bad about it, but you can’t help yourself from breaking into a knowing grin—someone’s got it worse than you!

You can feel the guy’s pain, because you used to be a horse dad. And as much as you complain about being a feis dad, you know that being a horse dad can be 1,000 times worse.

You think back to before your daughter started Irish Dance. She was no different than every other girl between the ages of 2 days to 116 years old—she was infatuated with horses.

“A pony!” she would cry every time she saw a horse. Or a cow. Or a dog. Or a brown car. Or anything that was larger than a quarter and smaller than a cruise ship. It was ponies and horses, 24/7, with no holidays off for good behavior.

She did that smile thing and before you could see your therapist, you bought a horse, truck and trailer, and gazzilions of dollars in equipment and show gear—all for a child who had just started using the “big girl’s” potty.

Remembering the two years of horse dad torment, you thank your lucky four-leaf clover that your daughter switched to Irish dance.

For all those feis dads out there thinking they’ve got it bad, here’s how it can be worse. Much worse.

Think the solo dress is expensive? That ain’t nothing compared to what you’re going to shell out to compete in the horse show circuit. Here’s a quick breakdown:

1. Horse. Yep, gotta have one (or two, possibly three and why not four?) of those. A cheap show horse will run you about ten grand. Middle of the road is twenty to forty thousand. And if you’re going to get something good, go ahead and start selling your internal organs now.
2. Truck and trailer. How the heck are you going to get to the horse show without a truck and trailer? Ride? Not hardly. An inexpensive two-horse trailer will set you back anywhere from $5K to $10K. Then, there are the nice ones which not only haul your horse, but will house all of your family as well. These “live-in” trailers can actually save you money since you can sleep right next to your beloved horse at the show (flies, horse poop, dirt and all), except you STILL have to pay for a stall for the horse since THEY aren’t allowed to stay in the trailer—only your poor soul. You don’t have to spend money for a hotel room. Yep, just in case you didn’t have enough of the horse during the day, you can sleep in the horse trailer right next to your best bud. Too bad these puppies cost more than you make in five years.
3. Tack. Saddle, bridle, bits, brushes, pads, fly masks, halters, combs, etc. All this little stuff can add up big time. For example, a nice saddle can cost you about as much as a solo dress and it can’t even be cut up and used for garage rags once your daughter is done with it.
4. Show clothes. These are about as gaudy as solo dresses and only slightly less expensive.
5. Food. It’s cheaper just to feed the horse dollar bills.
6. Vet bills. Enough said.
7. All of the concussions, broken arms, legs and ribs. And those are just your injuries from loading and unloading a thousand pound animal who doesn’t really want to go for a trailer ride.
8. Hauling all of this stuff. You think your daughter’s dress and make-up bags are bad? At least you don’t need an extra trailer to haul it.
9. Feis’ can be … well, I’ll just go ahead and say it … a little boring, at least for feis dads. But you ain’t seen true boredom until you’ve gone to a horse show. Imagine horses (sometimes with people on their backs) walking in a circle. Around and around and around and around and around and around and around. That’s what they do! Granted, sometimes they might do something exciting like change direction, or go from a walk to a trot, but that’s about it. What about the horse jumping shows, you ask? Aren’t they exciting? Nope. Just because people and horses get maimed on a regular basis, doesn’t make it exciting. It’s still just a horse and rider going fairly slowly around and around (maybe even over some jumps). Isn’t that like NASCAR, you ask? Nope. In NASCAR it’s a car and driver going around and around. What’s the difference, you ask? Didn’t you see the word car was italicized? And the cars all have these cool paint jobs (except Dale Jarrett’s UPS car) and they go really fast and make lots of cool noises like vroooom and there’s beer and it’s loud and there are cool cars.
10. Daily maintenance. Solo dresses are easy to take care of … at least compared to horses. There’s no need to actually feed your solo dress on a daily basis. If you want, you can zip it up in its dress bag and not pay any attention to it at all for six months. It won’t care. Try doing that with your horse. Not only will it be REALLY mad, it will be dead. So, you’ve got to feed and take care of your horse on a daily basis—or pay someone to do it for you. And when you go on vacation? A horse sitter is much harder to find than a dress sitter.
    
    So, the next time you’re on your way to a feis and feeling sorry for yourself, think about the guy pulling the horse trailer you’re passing on the interstate.
    
    Smile to yourself and repeat the following mantra three times:
    
    “It’s not so bad, I could be a horse dad.”
    
    I’m sure I’ve forgotten much more than I’ve listed above (my therapist says one day I’ll remember all those repressed memories—hopefully, I’ll be dead by then), I would love to hear from all those past and current feis dads (and moms) about their experiences and comparisons to Irish dancing.
    
    --feis dad
    

feis dad quiz!

Tired of being labeled an Irish Dance moron? It’s time to step up and show that your lack of enthusiasm for everything Irish doesn’t mean you don’t know the difference between a jig and a reel. Come on, every bass fisherman worth a hill of beans knows you hook the fish with a jig and then you use the reel to bring ‘em in (they have lakes in Ireland, right?).

So, take the feis dad quiz and show the IDMM the depth of your wisdom. I’ll post a new question about every week and post the previous question’s results and the correct answer.

Your family might be surprised how knowledgeable you really are … or maybe not. But they won’t know if you don’t take the quiz!

Remember, there is only one correct answer—the right one.

--feis dad

Budgeting for a solo dress

It is time.

The end is near.

Time to pay the piper.

The grim reaper is knocking on your door.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

What do all these clichés have in common?

They’ve all just popped into your head since your wife told you that it’s TIME TO BUY THE DREADED “SOLO DRESS” (not to be confused with the less expensive—but still outrageously expensive—class dress).

You push the thoughts of doom and world ending catastrophes aside and take a deep breath.

“No problem,” you say to yourself. “It’s just a dress.”

Two recommendations: One, stop talking to yourself. Two, get real—it’s not your typical off-the-shelf dress.

Your wife excitedly shows you a picture of the “beautiful” dress.

You scream.

It’s ten times more hideous than anything you’ve ever seen in Mervyns. Covered in gaudy sequins and neon colors, it’s so bright that it makes the Las Vegas strip look like a flashlight with half dead batteries.

How much could a dress like that cost? Fifty bucks. A hundred at most. Surely, no one would pay more than that.

Wrong answer! And wrong question.

The right answer is: You. Since you’re the sucker who is going to shell out more money than your daughter’s braces, a new minivan and America’s latest stealth fighter combined. All for a dress that your daughter might actually wear three times before she outgrows it.

And the right question? How can a dress cost $3000? Or, more appropriately, what bank am I going to rob to pay for the darn thing?

The answers?

I have no #&%$ing idea, and the bank at the corner of Main and Fifth looks like an easy hit to me.

I’m sorry, let me be serious for a moment.

Believe me, I’ve scoped it out. The guards do look sleepy and there’s an alley out back for your get-away car.

A bank job a little too drastic for you right now? Don’t worry, by the time your little beginner II dancer moves into prize winner, it won’t be. In the meantime, I’ve compiled a few suggestions to help you out. They may not keep you from serving some jail time, but given the number of feis’ in your future, that may not be a bad thing.

Feis dad suggestions on how to afford a solo dress:

1. Get a second job, re-mortgage the house, sell anything of value and take up singing for loose change at the entrances to subway stations.

There, that’s it.

Good luck.

No, I’m such a kidder. I do have some other ideas, but they aren’t as easy as those listed above.

2. Sell a body part. Everyone wants American made body parts. I hear kidneys are the rage in China nowadays. And you’ve got two. Do you really need a spare? You can also sell your liver, but this has a few drawbacks. One, if you’ve been a feis dad for a while, it’s probably not worth much due to the large amount of alcohol induced trauma, and two, you’ll die.

3. Buy used. Why buy a new dress for $3000, when you can pick up a used one for $2995? You can buy yourself a combo meal at McDonald’s with the five bucks you save. Savor it, it’ll be the last time you can afford to eat out at a “nice place” for a few years.

4. Make the dress yourself. Pick up some fabric on clearance and sew, sew, sew. It really doesn’t matter (at least to you) that you don’t actually know how to sew, you (being a typical feis dad) won’t be able to tell the difference from your horrific creation to one of those “beautiful” custom made dresses. The bad news is, your wife and daughter and every other female in the Irish Dance Mafia will now hate you and your life will be measured in minutes.

5. Shun the tradition. Refuse to waste your money on a solo dress. Make your daughter wear something a little more fashionable like … oh, I don’t know … a pair of grey sweats and a New England Patriots jersey. Be prepared for some push back if you go this route. Although you will be the hero of all the other feis dads out there, you will also be sleeping on the couch for the next century and your daughter will never send you a Father’s Day card again. Ever.

6. Time share a dress. If your dance academy is large, this may be a viable option. Try to get ten or more feis dads to “go in” on a solo dress, then everyone could share it during a feis. Yes, it may be a hassle to change out of the dress after every dance and it might stretch out the feis by another twenty plus hours, but the savings are worth it—at least to you. For one, you won’t be at the feis, remember? Two, although $300 is still a rip off, you can at least have enough money for food for the rest of the year. Oh, don’t worry too much about matching sizes, that’s what safety pins are for.

Okay, so now that feis dad’s given you some killer ideas on how to pay for that solo dress, what next?

Go out and buy it?

Ha! You should know me better than that by now.

Delay, delay, delay.

You can always hope that your daughter will lose interest in Irish Dance, or fall in love with horses instead. Okay, scratch that. The only thing worse than being a feis dad is being a horse dad.

--feis dad

How the heck did I get into this in the first place

So, you’ve taken the FDS test and you scored high … like 12 out of a possible 10. Contemplating this score, you’ve also discovered something else about yourself.

Mainly, that you can’t count. But we’ll let that slide because the inability to handle complex mathematical functions is a common symptom of FDS.

So, you’ve got FDS and got it bad.

Don’t panic. It’s not terminal. At least not in the classic sense (though after spending fourteen hours at the last feis, you had wished it was).

Now that you know you’ve contracted this vile disease, we need to answer the most important question of all.

No, it’s not how to get rid of FDS, because there is NO totally getting rid of it, unless you plan on moving someplace where there are no feis’—like on the dark side of Jupiter.

The real question we need to answer is “how the heck did I get myself into this in the first place?”

This is the critical question.

Why?

Because you NEVER want to make that mistake again!

Okay, to answer this question I’m going to take you back to the very beginning. Before feis’. Before the wigs. Before the dresses. Before the drinking … well, maybe not that far back.

Close your eyes. Think back … way back … think back to when your sweet little daughter asked you if she could take that “free” Irish Dance lesson.

You hesitated. Something just didn’t feel right.

Then your loving wife said, “what harm could it be to send her to one FREE dance class?”

You wanted to say no. You’re no idiot. You know NOTHING in life is ever really free.

This was it. The defining point in your life. The mother of all decisions. The battle of wills you’ve been training for all your life.

Then your daughter gave you that smile. You know the one. It could melt even an Exxon CEO’s ice-cold heart (though he still wouldn’t reduce gas prices).

Don’t feel bad. The battle was over before it really ever began. Daughters have that power over their father. It’s their secret weapon, with more destructive power than all the Back Street Boys albums put together.

With that one capitulating nod of your head you were absorbed into a society in which there is no escape. Think the mafia or … I hate to even say it … Amway… only even more difficult to get out of (by the way, I’ve got a great deal on laundry soap during the month of June—give me a call).

So that’s the story. You gave in. Your daughter took the class. Your wife met other mothers just like her and was sweet talked into the IDMM (Irish Dance Mother’s Mafia) fold. Ever see the movie The Firm? She really didn’t have a choice either.

She was hooked. And you were toast.

Feis dad toast.

So, what’s my point of all this? I’m not really sure (the inability to remember important details is a symptom of acute FDS—at least that’s the story I’m sticking with).

But, I do remember the bottom line.

It doesn’t really matter how you were tricked into becoming a feis dad. The reality is, if you’re reading this and nodding your head, you have FDS.

You don’t have to love it, but you do have to live with it.

Hint: It’s a medical fact drinking does help—ask any doctor whose daughter is involved in Irish Dance.

--feis dad

Stay tuned for the next post to learn the best ways to deal with FDS (including hangover remedies)

Feis Dad Syndrome

What are the symptoms of FDS or Feis Dad Syndrome?

Here are ten signs you might have FDS.

1. Have you recently pulled out your wallet to buy something you really wanted like that new fly fishing rod, a cold beer or the copay for the heart bypass surgery you’ve been needing, only to find there are cobwebs where your money used to be? You have a faint recollection of handing out stacks of twenty’s for your daughter’s solo dress a few months ago that she’s now outgrown.

2. The instant you hear accordion music, do you dive for your noise canceling headphones?

3. You have always thought sequins and garish dresses in neon colors were hideous. Now that your daughter is wearing one, you think they are not only hideous, but outrageously expensive.

4. Do you look for any excuse to miss a feis, including scheduling root canals and prostate exams even though you don’t need them?

5. Do you have nightmares of possessed wigs coming after you? All those curls … thousands of pounds of curls … curls wrapped so tight they could be used as springs on the rear end of your ¾ ton truck … attacking you, smothering you, feasting on your scalp … uh, you get the picture.

6. Are you going deaf after the endless hours of hard shoe practice on the wooden dance floor you set up in what used to be your office?

7. Do all of your vacations (which used to be associated with having fun) now correlate with feis’ located from Podunk, Iowa to Pudunk, Nebraska?

8. Does your eight-year-old daughter now put on more make up than Tammy Faye Baker and look about as bad?

9. Has your wife lost interest in every other topic in the world and all your current discussions relate to jigs and reels (not to be confused with talking about jugs and keels).

10. Have you ever been asked to leave a feis (thankfully) because your snoring has drowned out (thankfully) the accordion musician?

If you answered “yes” to at least one of these questions, you have FDS. If you answered “yes” to at least five questions, please seek professional psychiatric help. If you actually just answered more than five of the questions (doesn’t matter if you answered “yes” or “no” … just answering them is bad enough) you have terminal FDS.

But don’t worry.

There is help.

Join Feis Dad in making light of this difficult situation. There is strength in numbers. Laughter, while not a cure, can help alleviate some of the symptoms. So can a half a case of beer, but we’ll talk about the advantages of “feis drinking” later.


-- Feis dad