Proof of Jessica

I've received a stack of email higher than Lyndsay Lohan after a night out partying asking for proof regarding Jessica Simpson. Feis dad readers found it difficult to believe that 1) she can sing, 2) she was once a brilliant physics student and 3) she lost that brilliance. Curiously, no one had trouble believing I had once been her backup dancer.

I'll address each question individually, starting with the hardest first.

1) Can she sing? Well, that's a matter of opinion. Unfortunately for Jessica, the majority of the opinion says "no." Those offering a different view tend to be adolescent boys, unmarried men and feis dads. This being said, I can not offer any substantial proof that she can actually sing. I have seen her perform and she looks good doing it, but I haven't a clue as to whether the words escaping her mouth isn't anything more than an awful screeching.

2) Was Jessica once a brilliant physics student? Yes. When I met her in college, she was on top of her class. She was acing all her tests and all her professors loved her (she was a favorite among the TA's). Here's one of the many examples of how she could easily solve a physics problem.



Jessica nails the test: A+

3) Did Jessica lose her brilliance? Most definitely. Once she began "singing" and dating Nick, her brain power dropped faster than the stock market did two years ago. Here are some of her test results (which are now infamous on the internet) showing just how low she had become.












As you can see, Jessica no longer had the brain power to solve complex mathematical problems, or talk without sounding like a complete idiot. For some reason, she also kept signing her name as "Peter" which no one could ever figure out why.

What does all of this mean? I haven't a clue. I can't seem to put two comprehensive sentences together at a time (though I blame my loss of cognition on over exposure to accordion music and curly wigs).

-- feis dad

feis dad confession # 2

Due to the overwhelming number of questions emailed to me regarding the last post, I thought it might be prudent to provide the answers:

1. Yes, it is true. Although I’m ashamed to admit it, I did “experiment” while I was in college. And on more than one occasion.

As many of you know, I attended an engineering school in which 98% of the students were male and 1% were female. The other 1% could never be determined. Anyway, I was a nerd who felt awkward around women. So … naturally, I “experimented.” Usually, this was done during class with other students and a TA.

My first taste of experimenting was during Chemistry 101 lab when I conducted numerous experiments on fluids, gases and solids. I also took a materials class where I experimented with concrete, steel and wood.

Being more of a theoretical student I wasn’t good at all this experimenting and my lab reports really stunk.


Mad Scientist feis dad

And that’s about all the “experimenting” I’ve done. I’m glad to finally get that off my chest.

What? Come, on. Were you expecting something else?

2. Yes, I admit that a long time ago, Jessica Simpson and I were more than just friends.

We met while I was in college after a long day experimenting (see above) in my Chemistry lab. I bumped into her at the engineering library. She was studying quantum physics and we hit it right off.

I enjoyed the depth of her understanding of the origins of the universe while she liked the way I looked in my T-shirt and my graceful way of moving.

As you can imagine, one thing led to another and yep … you guessed it. I became her backup dancer when she decided to drop advanced physics for a “singing” career. We had a great time dancing together until NICK came along. And we all know how well that worked out.


Jessica and feis dad -- perfect dance partners

We’re still friends, and sometimes she calls me to discuss higher order equations, but that’s about it.


Anyway, there you have it. That’s my story and I’m sticking with it (at least until I dream up something better).

--feis dad

Feis Dad Confession # 1

Okay, Okay, I can't keep this to myself anymore. Now, with the fourth possible woman coming clean on having an affair with Tiger Woods, it's time for my shameful admission. Sometimes you just have to admit to something so you can be free from the guilt.

I've known Tiger Woods for about five years. Jessica Simpson, another close friend of mine, introduced us and we've been best buds ever since.


Jessica Simpson, Tiger Woods and Feis Dad having a great time together

And it's been a good five years. You know, when he comes to play golf, he calls me up and we hit the bars for a good time. He talks about golf, I talk about curly wigs. All of which makes it even harder to admit that, I, feis dad, have NOT had an affair with Tiger Woods. From the past few days headlines, I guess I'm one of the few.

--fes dad