Okay, let’s get strolling. I thought I’d might as well start off big. With the Number One Feis Dad of our country: President George “Wigman” Washington. What? You didn’t know ol’ Georgie was a feis dad? You bet. One of the best. History seems to have forgotten this important aspect of our first President.
George "Wigman" Washington
Back George’s day, Irish dancing and going to feisana was all the rage (sort of like going to the mosh pit when we were young). And George’s little girls did their part too. It was Irish dance this, Irish dance that, Irish dance till George wanted to puke. But George was a good feis dad and supported their addiction. He paid for lessons, helped powder their wigs and spent his weekends at local fesiana (video games wouldn’t be generated for another fifty years so he had nothing better to do).
Not only was he a great feis dad, but what most people don’t know was that it was his affinity toward Irish dance that sparked America’s declaration of independence. And you thought it was about tea and taxation without representation? Not hardly. No one really cares about tea. Not back then, not now (except for the British, but their opinion doesn’t count ever since they made Mr. Bean movies). In reality, the colonists didn’t have a Boston Tea Party, but a Boston Wig Party.
Here’s what really happened. A ship carrying a fresh load of the new “Martha” Irish dance wigs anchored in Boston harbor. But the British evil bad guys, wanted to tax the wigs. Well, being the upstarts we were back then, we flatly refused. The British, not used to having one of their colonies talk back to them, had a little bit of a temper tantrum. They dressed up as Native American's and tossed every last one of those wigs overboard. It was horrible. Over two hundred innocent and curly wigs were thrown into the sea that dark night. All drowned.
The Boston Wig Party
As you might imagine, the colonial dancing daughters and feis moms were furious. They were so mad they demanded our founding fathers do something right then. Our founding fathers, being our founding fathers, decided to take swift and decisive action. They went to the local pub and drank a few pints of dark beer in unrivaled joy that they need not spend another Saturday at a feis listening to accordion music that not even their goat intestine ear plugs could drown out.
Then Mr. Party Pooper (that’s what the founding fathers called ‘ol Georgie before he became famous) told them they had to declare their independence from the evil British or his wife was going to nag him to death. The founding fathers drank a toast to George and silently wished he’d mind his own darn business. But he didn’t and they reluctantly declared their independence and brought up arms against the British.
Initially, those dang Redcoats won battle after battle and our fight for independence looked grim. But once again, Old Georgie came to the rescue. The British didn’t expect him to cross the Delaware River and kick their butts in a little town called Trenton or his army to survive the winder at Valley Forge. But he did. And his secret to success? You guessed it, Irish dance wigs. Our founding father’s dancing daughters saw the nation was in trouble and they donated their old Irish dance wigs to the cause (their old “Elizabeth” wigs were so last century). Washington found that not only did they make an excellent insulating material which kept his army from freezing to death at Valley Forge, but they could be turned into the world’s first WMDs (Wigs of Mass Destruction). His use of wigs during the war gained him the nickname, Wigman Washington. So, it was Washington and his infamous Wigs of Destruction that won the Revolutionary War and for whom we owe our independence. Your teachers didn’t teach you that in school, did they?
Kudos to them.
Washington and his troops keep warm with wigs at Valley Forge
Washington letting his wig fly in the wind as he crosses the Deleware
Cannon firing a WMD
The terrible results of using WMD's against the British
Well, we’ve now reached the end of this history lesson and I’m sure you’ve learned more than you ever wanted to know about our first President and why I shouldn’t drink shots NyQuil while writing a blog.
For our next dive into history, we’ll study the life and times of Confucius (China’s most famous feis dad) and see if the little twerp had any insight into one's daily life.
--feis dad
