Number 1: The iPod. This is basic feis dad survival equipment. Feis dads can download all their favorite tuneage (AC/DC, Kiss, The Partridge Family’s Greatest hits, and Air Supply) to their iPod and tune out all of that accordion music. I think this feis dad’s playing some awesome Tiffany tunes!
Number 2: Earplugs. A true feis dad expects the best, but plans for the worst. He's horrified by the possibility that his iPod’s batteries might die or feis his dancing daughter would snag it from him while she’s waiting to dance her special. If anything happens to his iPod, he reaches into his pocket and stuffs his trusty earplugs into his ears for some peaceful silence. Sometimes, he might put his earplugs in before the iPod, because you can only take so much Air Supply before you blow chunks.
Number 3: Favorite Magazine. Two things at a feis that a real feis dad wouldn’t be caught dead without: his favorite magazine and his favorite underwear. Fortunately, we won’t go into the second thing. You’ll spot feis dads carrying magazines about cars, trucks, motorcycles, mountain bikes, football, baseball, the SI swimsuit edition, and the lyrics to Air Supply’s greatest hits. He might even read them if he gets really bored.
Number 4: See-thru-curly-straw. As we saw in the last post, some feis dads like to partake in a barley pop or similar drink to help pass the time. And we all know, feis dads LOVE to have fun. What could be more fun than a see-thru-curly-straw? Nothing. The more twists, turns and curls the better. Feis dads can watch these things for hours! Who would have thought 95 cents could bring so much pure amusement?
Number 5: Bellybutton lint. Eeeww. That’s just gross. Using my special X-ray camera, we can see what’s under feis dad’s shirt. Now, this nice piece of shirt lint may not be something feis dad intends to bring to the feis with him, but it’s going to be there, and there's nothing you can do about it. You can pick the fuzz-fruit in the morning and by noon, it’s grown baaaaackk. But please, for everyone else's sake, don’t pick it at the feis, that’s bad feis etiquette (pick it during dinner instead).
Number 6: Free drink tickets. Every feis dad worth his salt carries a couple of these bad boys with him all the time (he carries double the normal amount to a feis). They’re good for whatever drink you want, as long as it’s one of the two kinds they carry at the feis: beer and box wine.
Number 7: Official Star Trek Collector’s Key Chain. Okay, let’s just admit it right now. Most feis dads are closet Star Trek geeks. We all know at least ten Klingon phrases including how to say, “hello,” “Where’s the bathroom,” “Do you want fries with that?,” and “When’s the feis going to be over?” This key chain also has lots of cool stuff like flashing lights and shiny buttons. Finally, it has neat sounds effects like the “swish-swish” of a starship door opening and twelve different fart noises (even in Klingon). Woohoo! The only thing this puppy won’t do is impress women and beam you up before the feis is done--"beam me up, Scotty!"
Number 8: Nintendo DS. This isn’t actually the feis dad’s own DS. He borrowed it from his son, by slipping it into his sock before leaving for the feis. This gadget comes in real handy during those loooongg boring stretches during a feis (mainly the entire time your children aren’t dancing). The only problem with the DS is that the batteries only last 8 hours (four hours shorter than a normal feis).
Number 9: Pocket Etch-a-Sketch. This is your DS backup for when the batteries die. Try drawing a box, then a circle, then a circle in a box. It’s tons of fun!
So, now you know what a typical feis dad brings to a feis. But all feis dads are different. Anyone else have any other things they like to bring to a feis? Just let me know, and I'll post them here.
--feis dad
